Taboo, and filled with unwarranted guilt, Veronica Gerhardstein bravely shares her traumatic story of child loss.
Watch the video above to hear Veronica Gerhardstein's story about child loss. (Video by Kami Miles. All photos provided by Veronica Gerhardstein.)
According to the Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention, “nearly one-third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, 6 in 1,000 pregnancies result in still births, and 6 in 1,000 babies die in the first few weeks of life.” This leaves a substantial number of women and families with the after-effects of a highly traumatic loss -- a permanent scar, physically and emotionally, covering an unfillable void of loss and grief.
Although many women across the globe share this commonality, speaking openly about child loss still remains a taboo, corrupt with a reign of guilt, unwarranted shame, and for some, an extended cycle of victimization.
Veronica Gerhardstein, a mother of early pregnancy loss, describes her experience as, “tough, debilitating, and isolating.”
In 2015, Gerhardstein became pregnant with her third child, her son Avery. Shortly after finding out she was pregnant, the doctors notified her and the father that Avery displayed concerning abnormalities in the ultrasound.
“I tried to be optimistic,” she said, “but deeply saddened at the same time. How do you react to something like that?”
Monitored closely for several weeks after, Gerhardstein was transferred to a specialized hospital for rare disorders and pregnancy complications. There, doctors delivered the news that Avery had a severe and non-compatible life condition called alobar holoprosencephaly.
Alobar holoprosencephaly, according to the National Institutes of Health, is the complete failure and malformation of the brain to divide into the left and right hemispheres. Nearly all recorded cases of the condition are not compatible with life and typically result in fetal utero death.
Left: Alobar holoprosencephaly, Right: Normal fetal brain (Photos collected from mrineonatalbrain.com)
Avery was not expected to live to full term, and on the small chance he was born, he was estimated to live no longer than a few minutes without machine support.
In addition to the traumatic news, Gerhardstein continued to receive backlash and negative support from the child’s father, family members, and the doctors, about her desires to keep Avery, and to, “give him a fighting chance,” outside the womb.
“I was alone. I didn’t have anyone in my side of the court,” she said.
When Avery was about 16 weeks, medical personnel and family members pressured Gerhardstein to make a heartbreaking decision before one was made for her. Doctors became forceful in their recommendations, stating that if she did not terminate the pregnancy, her life would be at risk.
On the final attempt, Gerhardstein still did not feel comfortable with the recommendations, and specialists continued to pressure the decision to prevent losing both mom and baby. Gerhardstein numbly caved, and to her adamant dissent, the doctors proceeded with the life-saving surgery.
Today, she suffers from symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), heightened anxiety, and depressive behaviors. From receiving the traumatic news, to the lack of support from the father and her family, and a forceful medical team, Gerhardstein’s grief rides on an everlasting rollercoaster, and she fears she will never be the same again.
She still receives negative comments from friends and family about the loss of her child, mocking her and telling her to “get over it.”
“It doesn’t matter how your child left,” said Gerhardstein, “telling a bereaving mother to ‘get over it’ is like telling them to forget their child. I wasn’t given the choice, I was pressured into what happened, and everyone has made me feel guilty about the situation – even though I didn’t want it.”
It is unlawful to force anyone to terminate a pregnancy without verbal and written consent, especially medical personnel. Gerhardstein knew this, and several people mock and ridicule her about not, “standing up and walking out,” or, “refusing to sign the paperwork.”
She explains, “What's hard to describe and what people will never understand is that I just froze. I was numb, and I felt like I wasn’t the one making the decisions anymore.”
Studies from the National Center for Biotechnology Information with the National Institutes of Health have shown that when the brain is exposed to a traumatic event, it can permanently change the physiology of the organ. In response to a shocking or disturbing event, the brain biologically “freezes” to protect itself from further overwhelming damage. Everyone processes traumatic events differently, and although not all are necessarily violent, trauma violates a person’s sense of self and security.
When the brain freezes, a person experiences a loss of control. They may make decisions they normally wouldn’t, cave into forced situations, or simply become numb – the brain’s way of protecting itself.
Her husband, Sean Gerhardstein, remains supportive of her and comforts her however she needs when she experiences her symptoms.
“She becomes quiet and reserved, sometimes spacing out,” he said. “Other times she knows when it’s about to happen and she asks for space. Avery may not biologically be mine, but I love him as if he was my own… and I will support her in any way she needs in order to heal.”
Veronica has also found a child loss support group based out of Wisconsin called Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse. A certified 501 (c) (3) non-profit organization for parents of child loss, it is one of few in existence in the United States.
“The best advice that I can give to bereaving parents,” explains Veronica, “is that we need to talk about our children. It’s essential to our grief and healing. I found Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. It means so much to finally have a group of people, regardless of how they lost their child, to understand what I’m going through, to have a safe place where I can express my feelings without the judgement.”
(Slideshow) Left: Avery's ultrasound, Middle: Veronica and her family, Right: Avery is remembered with his foot and hand prints. His urn is kept inside the teddy bear. (All photos provided by Veronica Gerhardstein)
If you or someone you know is suffering from child loss, you are not alone. Do not be afraid to seek help and establish yourself within a community. Share your story, spread awareness, and in Veronica’s words, do not fall into the trap of, “What if.”